Insert Ashlee Simpson Song Title Here
by buscemi
Summary: Since January, I thought it would be funny to write Panic at the Disco fics based on comics I drew for my friend and mocking common misjudgments from popular writers. I was wrong. The end.
1. Panic vs The Spanish Inquisition

"Someone stole our mustaches!" cried Ryan monotonously, having been born too small to comprehend human emotion. "Now how will we fight crime in Gotham City?"

"There's no time for that! Look!" called the voice of Spencer, muffled by two Twinkies lodged in his hamster cheeks.

The camera pan followed his finger towards the sky, revealing the silhouette of a sextacular mustache against a single storm cloud.

Brendon sat waiting for the super sexy ryan seacrest Batman montage to ensue – oh yes, and he was pouting. "It's not coming, is it?" he sobbed into his favorite bony shoulder.

Ryan patted his back apathetically and began to sing "That's How I Beat Shaq" in D flat, rocking his Angelina Jolie-lipped friend into a slight coma and groping him when no one was looking.

Spencer emerged from the 'stache lair, trailing four identical llamas behind that somewhat resembled Jay Leno and dangling Twizzlers from the corners of his mouth. And so it was the gang began their journey, frightened, mustacheless, and chafing big time. Their arrival at the 7/11 was greeted by a gunman's fist before he escaped, singing the _Wicked_ soundtrack in fluent German and parading around with two rather large potato sacks reading, "Stolen Property of Uncle Moneybags."

"O noez," Ryan grunted at the sight of his unconscious Brenny Bear, whose eyes had been replaced with rather large, bolded X's.

"We have to get our super sexy ryan seacrest powers back – before it's too late!" said Jon, flashing his Captain Obvious metal in Ryan's expressionless elf face.

* * *

Back at the 'stache lair...

"Boy, I sure am glad you're suddenly and unexpectedly better, lover – I mean Brendon," said Ryan, sharing a loving gaze with his friend.

"Me too, Ryho," cooed Brendon affectionately. Only small dogs from miles away could hear.

Also suddenly and unexpectedly, three Spaniards in sombreros, rainbow capes, and sextacular mustaches Apparated out of thin air.

"Oh my Jonas! It's the Spanish Inquisition!" Spencer shrieked, showering the room in confetti sprinkles and Cool Whip.

"We've been expecting you," growled Jon, extracting his vampire teeth and crouching protectively near Spencer, who was shivering with antici...pation.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" intervened the very angry maraca player in all caps. "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"

**~ SUPER SEXY RYAN SEACREST FIGHTING SEQUENCE (interrupted with love by 4kids) ~**

"YAY!" squealed the four mustached gentlefolk in unison, freezing mid-air as they leapt with glee and gayness.

The maraca player and his trumpet-and-guitar-playing brothers slowly faded away, never to be seen again. It's said that they've been damned for eternity to be featured regularly on Family Guy.

And so the circle of life was complete.

**IN LOVING MEMORY: THE SPANISH INQUISITION (1478-2009)**


	2. Panty Frisbee

A yellow Frisbee clad in a small, frilly, Strawberry Shortcake-patterned pair of panties momentarily blocked view of the sunset as Brendon, Spencer, and Jon frolicked gaily trying to catch it. Ryan stood idly by in a cheerleader uniform looking awfully aloof. With one particularly giant frolic, Brendon managed to let out a triumphant shout as his pillowy Angelina Jolie lips caught the panty Frisbee and, in turn, won him the game. He hardly noticed the unconscious Jon lying, well, unconscious on the ground after Brendon had shoved him away with the strength of a thousand ADD unicorn gods.

What was I saying? Oh yes.

"Hey, guys, what are you doing?"

Jon, cuddled in Spencer's lap and therefore now covered in M&M crumbs, managed a girly squeal. "Oh my Jonas! It's the Jonas Brothers!"

"We're playing panty Frisbee!" answered a victory dancing Brendon.

"Ewwwww..." groaned the gay one, the ugly one, and Nick in unison.

As the gay one tossed his long, gay tresses, Ryan's eyes instantly morphed into anime hearts as fantasy bubbles popped from his head – these bubbles, needless to say, included many inappropriate sequences and lots of hair tossing. "MAKE LOVE TO ME!" he cried, octaves away from showing his first human emotion as he attached himself to the gay one's torso.

"GROSS! I'M NOT GAY!" said the gay one.

"Oh, Joe Jonas," was all they said, and as those words echoed through the mountains, peace fell over Hyrule...

...FOR NOW.


	3. The 'stachemobile

"WHOO! SPRINKLES!"

"Looks like somebody let him into the garbage again," sighed Spencer through his mouthful of Pop-tart, shaking his head.

Brendon chased his tail around the room, though upon wearing himself out curled up at his band mates' feet for a quick cat nap.

"But he looks so peaceful, doesn't he?" Jon replied.

"Guys, look," Ryan stepped in, not caring whether they looked or not because he was so aloof. "They're calling us."

Once again, the camera pan followed his finger up, revealing a large sextacular mustache in the sky.

"To the 'stachemobile!" Spencer spat, thrusting his arm enthusiastically into the air as flakes of butterscotch candies rained over the waking Brendon.

"Now?" yawned Brendon, rubbing his eyes.

"Now."

The gang was swiftly sucked up into four plastic tubes, cuing a long sequence of mustache-applying and belt-buckling. As they reached the end of the tubes, they were instantly placed into their respective seats in the brand new 'stachemobile – a large, fuzzy, tickle-me-pink rabbit clad with its very own sextacular mustache.

"You couldn't have picked a better car?" an apathetic Ryan mumbled.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Spencer shrugged off through a string of gummy worms.

Arriving fashionably late as always, the gang was met by a terrified woman uncannily resembling The Scream.

"We're here, we're queer, and we're about to save the day," Ryan recited with implied passion.

This was followed by a very eager, "TRADEMARK!" on Spencer's part.

Brendon, unaware of being ignored, ran circles around the woman, screaming, "Vroom vroom!"

"Someone's stolen my baby!" the lady shrieked.

"Hey, look, a flying monkey!" Brendon shrieked.

"What happened, ma'am?" Jon didn't shriek.

"Seriously, does anybody else see that?" Brendon may have shrieked.

"Well..." the woman carried on, definitely shrieking this time. Vultures began to circle above.

"GUYS!"

It was only now that Brendon began to catch on, shoulders slumped and Angelina Jolie lips pouting, because that's all Brendon Urie does. He pouts.

"Waa! Waa!" he heard in the near distance. "Baby Pharaoh hungry!" Brendon stumbled upon a small manger cradling an even smaller child. "You, sir! Fetch me a nipple!"

Holding up the foreign object that was Baby Pharaoh, Brendon's sextacular mustache-clad lips curved into a smile. "I'm going to call you Pikachu."

**[montage]**

"Time of Your Life" plays softly in the background as Brendon learns to feed and burp Pikachu/Baby Pharaoh. This is, naturally, followed by a short scene of them running through a meadow.

The music softly fades, because you always fade out in a montage...

**[/montage]**


	4. It's Christmas Time Again, Brendon Urie!

The Christmas tree twinkled red and gold as Spencer opened the very last gift, an extremely nervous Jon hugging a coffee pot to his chest while Ryan toyed indifferently with the ends of his new scarf. Brendon hardly noticed he was giftless as he batted at a single ornament hanging off one of the bottom branches.

"Wow! A ShamWow!" Spencer giggled, watching it soak up galleons of water that floated from their faucets with the blink of an eye.

"Wow," the three repeated in astonishment, and apathy.

"Ready to open your gift, Brendon?" asked Jon.

Brendon's ears perked up at his name as he chased a butterfly around the room.

"Close your eyes," said Spencer mysteriously, leading the stumbling boy into the 'stachemobile garage where the rabbit had been replaced with a large, white, Apatosaurus-shaped package with a red ribbon tied at the neck. "Okay you can open them!"

"What is it?" whispered Brendon in suspense, eyes the size of the moon.

The ribbon immediately fell off, as did the wrapping paper.

"Oh my Jonas, it's a DINOSAUR! Holy–"

**~ SPAAAAAGHETTIIIII CAAAAAAAAAAAAT ~**

"–on a sandwich with–"

**~ SPAAAAAGHETTIIIII CAAAAAAAAAAAAT ~**

"–your mother's grave–"

**~ SPAAAAAGHETTIIIII CAAAAAAAAAAAAT ~**

"–Ryan Seacrest's chest hair!"

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Jon chuckled.

Brendon and his Christmas present fell to the ground in a fit of giggles, rolling in two small puddles that had yet to be – oh, never mind. They were soaked up by Spencer's ShamWow! As the scene slowly fades, Halloween and Spaghetti Cat Snoopy dance across the screen.

_And so, as they rode off into the sunset, they could swear they could hear a faint whisper; 'Please recycle...' I'm Ryan Seacrest, and good night._


	5. Gotta Ketchum All

"Ryan, Brendon thinks he's Pete Wentz again!" cried Spencer somewhat patronizingly. He and his pedostache had been frequently attending couples therapy, so he was a bit on the moody side.

Jon and Ryan entered at once to find a half naked Brendon Urie climbing the wall and humming "Achey Breaky Heart." Out of respect for their National Anthem, his bandmates removed their hats, bowed their heads, and clutched their hearts.

When he had shuffled to Clapton's "Hey Hey," Jon finally exclaimed, "Impossible! No one can be as douchey as Pete Wentz – not even Pete Wentz!"

"It's okay, you guys, I gave him Red Bull again," Ryan admitted.

Immediately, Jon's arms pretzeled with Spencer in order to hold him back from ripping the boy to shreds. "YOU CAN'T GIVE BRENDON URIE RED BULL! HE TURNS INTO A GIRL AND MPREGS US ALL! HAVEN'T YOU EVER READ FANFICTION-DOT-NET?"

"Only for J.O.N.A.S. fics," mumbled Jon, earning Ryan to shoot daggers at him with his eyes.

Not literal daggers. Because that would just be ridiculous.

"But he lasts longer."

"There's no time for that!" Jon suddenly cut in. "The alarm that appeared out of nowhere to fill the writer's plot holes is going off!"

With this, Brendon dropped to his feet, throwing his arms around the air very convincingly ninja-like and crying, "P!ATD ACTIVATE!"

Spencer broke into a sob and sought comfort in Ryan's shoulder at the mention of the exclamation point. "Brendon..." He trailed off, mortified as one would be over a lost loved one.

"It's okay," comforted Ryan, rubbing small circles on Spencer's back...quite robotically, as compassion, like any other emotion, was something he simply couldn't feel. "He doesn't remember. It's in a better place now."

All three coherent members made the sign of the cross. Then, remembering their duty to the world (excluding Germany and Iraq because, hey, fuck those bastards), they applied the proper adhesive to their mustaches and were soon ready to face whatever evil stood in their way.

"We're here, we're queer, and we're about to-"

Ryan, like the others, was shocked by the sight in front of him. Brendon jizzed in his pants. Microsoft Word autocorrected it to _jazzed_ and the sun could once more shine.

"Ash Ketchum?"

"This is more shocking than a gay Jonas brother," tried Brendon, catching sight of Spencer and Jon shaking their heads in unison. "This is more shocking than a gay member of *NSYNC," he tried again. Spencer and Jon exchanged looks. "This is more shocking than a gay member of Panic at the Disco."

A sharp smacking sound echoed through the pier.

Now, remembering his lines, came their villain's not so super sexy ryan seacrest Japanese snivel. "Ha-ha! I have come to avenge my brother's death! Ha-ha!" said Ash in size 7 Georgia font.

"You don't have a brother," replied Spencer.

"You're poorly dubbed," followed Ryan.

"Your font is too big," finished Jon.

Brendon jazzed again.

Ash clutched his cap to his head in agony. "Oh my Jonas! Bullying! My only weakness!"

Finally, Brendon stepped in, clenching his fists in rage. "Nobody takes the Jonas name in vain and gets away with it!"

* * *

**The Rock Group Formerly Known As Panic! vs. The Spanish Inquisition**_ "Oh my Jonas! It's the Spanish Inquisition!" Spencer shrieked, showering the room in confetti sprinkles and Cool Whip._

**la panique au disco joue le frisbee panty! le fait de presenter les freres de jonas** _Jon, cuddled in Spencer's lap and therefore now covered in M&M crumbs, managed a girly squeal. "Oh my Jonas! It's the Jonas Brothers!"_

**It's Christmas Time Again, Brendon Urie!**_ "Oh my Jonas, it's a DINOSAUR! Holy-"_

_

* * *

_"...Oh."

The Fab Four were pulled from their train of thought as Ash began to make his escape.

"You can't stop me, motherfucker, 'cause I'm on a boat!" he cackled.

There was a brief ten minute intermission in which Ash very gradually began to disappear along the horizon. Spencer chomped on a bucket of popcorn. Jon tossed around a hacky sack. Brendon and Ryan may or may not have had passionate lovemaking.

"Ryan, what are we going to do? We'll never make it all the way out there," sighed a very parched Spencer.

And then Ryan managed the wisest words ever spoken, despite his inability to sympathize with human emotion and general ennui. "Daddy said you gotta show the world the thunder."

"Whoa-oa-oa," replied the other three in unison.

"What can't we do if we get in it?" Spencer added. "We'll work it through within a minute. We have to try. We'll pay the price. It's do or die."

Quoth Jon, "Hey, I've died twice!"

"I am a superwoman," was all Brendon needed to say to ruin the moment, earning more dirty looks from his friends.

"Hey, look, Ash's ship is sinking!"

Their eyes all locked on the fiery mass that people were desperately jumping off of, hoping to swim away before the suction of the ship brought them down with it. Because I had to read _In Harm's Way _in 9th grade.

"Then what was the point of this comic?"

As the three pondered, they didn't notice the tattered yet smirking Ash crawling onto shore across the beach.


	6. What Really Happened

With the clamor of the daintiest bell, Ryan's coin circled the ground at his feet. Had he the ability to emote, surely he would have given some sort of skinny white guy victory dance, but alas he merely stared at the ground and gave a single, flat-lined, "Woohoo." His elf ears twitched with (un)delight.

"Aw, cock bitch motherfucking asshole!" exclaimed Jon, because he's totally B.A.

* * *

"Guys, Ryan and I have something to tell you. I – "

Jon's voice trailed off to make way for the booming sobs that followed.

"You can do this," said Ryan in what he believed a comforting voice must sound like.

Honestly, for the most apathetic of the group he was surely the most ~sensitive, or at least that was before he cheated on his girlfriend.

Fucker.

"We're leaving the band."

Somewhere, a single tear ran down a Native American's cheek.

"WADDAFUXUP?" screamed the tomato that had now replaced Brendon's head.

"Well, a few weeks ago I auditioned as the fourth Jonas Broth – "

"I HATE YOU BOTH!" Spencer screamed, so loud the Hellmouth closed a little, before running aimlessly out of the room.

Needless to say, he tripped over a few trash piles of discarded joints and beer bottles on the way. And the fresh corpse of Zack the Bodyguard.

With an equally passionate yet half as loud, "You cuntfloss! You made Spencer cry!" Brendon pummeled Jon.

"Hey now," somewhat intervened Ryan.

Nothing.

"I really should go...Degrassi's on soon."

Aside from the obscenities emerging from the cartoon dust cloud representing Jon and Brendon's scuffle, there was nothing but a cough. And it was Ryan's.

He glanced at his watch, mumbling, "It's nine in the afternoon...I have a meeting with Pete Wentz in twenty minutes. From now on I'm just 'Ryan...' like Cher."

While little cartoon birdies circled Jon's head, Brendon crawled to his knees, singing Black Keys under his breath and watching his totallybestfriendgaylover!!!!!!!! disappear over the horizon.

* * *

Jon, unfortunately, didn't make it as a Jonas Brother. Apparently Alec Baldwin beat him to it. He did, however, change his last name to Jingleheimer-Smitt and went solo.

Spencer locked himself in his bedroom. It took him two years to eat through every piece of furniture, then his wall. Once outside again, he fell in love with a fire hydrant and eloped. No one ever saw him again, but rumors circled that he lives in a faraway place with Chris Kirkpatrick, Ringo Starr, and the other Jackson four.

Brendon turned to the streets for a few years, selling himself for hits of Red Bull and chasing stray cats. He was eventually picked up by Animal Control and, after a very heartfelt montage, built a relationship with an old volunteer who turned him into an official Firefighter.

Ryan murdered Pete Wentz and stole his life. And hair.


End file.
